I have never had a boyfriend. Ever.
Never been kissed. Never held someone's hand. Not even really been on a date.
While there are probably many reasons this is true, I've narrowed it down to the two which I will explore through this series that I think are the biggest reasons why this is so.
1. My beliefs and standards about dating
and, if I'm being honest....
2. No boy I've liked has reciprocated
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My first exposure to peers dating (if you can call it that) was in 5th grade. Yup, barely out of single digits, and we thought we were so grown up.
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| Me in 5th Grade |
A couple of the coolest kids from the four 5th grade classes at my elementary school "asked each other out," which meant the "couple" would spend the two recesses we had a day walking around the playground holding hands. If your relationship was especially advanced, you might convince a some friends to be your lookout as you sneaked behind a tree to steal a kiss.
Some couples professed their eternal love to one another, saying they would never break up.
Yet, none of those relationships lasted the year. No surprise there.
I'm not proud to say it, but I was one of those lookouts more than once. Inside, I remember thinking it seemed silly, but I wasn't brave enough to say so.
In middle school, I began to compose a more concrete personal belief about dating, especially in the young, 10-15 age range. That belief: It's STUPID!
As I looked around and saw the amount of drama and heartache caused by these romantic relationships that could not really develop into anything substantial and always ended, it seemed a logical and simple solution to decide not to date.
This attitude continued on into high school. While I was maybe a bit more open to the idea of having a boyfriend, I didn't believe in dating just for fun. I thought any boyfriend I would want to have should have marriage potential.
I wasn't desperate for a boyfriend, but sometimes I would look around at everyone holding hands in the hallways and wonder if there was anything wrong with me.
I thought I was fairly average looking, but could I actually be hideous without knowing it? Was my personality repellent? Did I smell awful?
But then I'd look around and see all types of girls with a boyfriend, and I knew I bathed with relative frequency, so I knew that it had to do with something more than that.
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Well, I think I'll end this post here for now. I know I haven't really made any points yet, but it's already a good sized post. I'll pick it up again next week.
For now, here are some questions:
What did you think about dating when you were younger?
Looking back on them, do you still think that way?
What's one thing you know now that you wish you knew then?
Miss Small,
ReplyDeleteI think your post is much like my life. Not to discourage you, as I'm a bit older than you, but I can't add much to the "experience" category than what you have listed above. However, I will say, cherish that. You will never say "I regret that I waited for my husband" but you will easily say "I regret that I didn't." Hold true to your values, and stay strong in your faith. I am many years outside of college, and while it can sometimes be discouraging to look around at all of my friends who are married, many with children, I feel God wouldn't have given me the desire to be a mom and a wife if He didn't have someone waiting for me. My job now is to strive towards being a strong Christian woman, and praying that my future husband is readying himself for me. Love you!
Thanks for your perspective! I totally agree, and I'll probably get around to making a similar point in my next post. There are times when I feel "cursed" by singleness, but most of the time I can see it as a blessing!
DeleteWow Becky, I always thought you were terribly gorgeous. I can't say anything over what "Anonymous" said. My first boyfriend, kiss, hand holder - was my husband. I admit I wasn't very patient for him, pointing out all the other guys to God. I wish I had been a more satisfied single. People have told me, "It's amazing that you saved your first relationship for your husband." I have told them, "It's amazing that God kept me on that path when I was trying SO hard to deviate from it." Your perspective is refreshing and amazing, Becky. I hope you continue to write and encourage others.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amber! Ha, I know God definitely has had a hand in my singleness. Who knows how my beliefs about dating would have held up if a guy had really pursued me when was young. In theory, I thought it was stupid and silly, but I may have been seriously tempted to change my mind if an opportunity presented itself!
DeleteThanks for sharing this story Becky! And I absolutely LOVE the photo of you in 5th grade: so adorable.
ReplyDeleteYup, the photo is super adorable! I don't have much experience past you honestly; I've had one relationship. I guess I think that being single or in a relationship both have their merits. I loved how I learned to compromise with another person in order to keep balance as well as support someone and let him do the same for me. I knew he wasn't someone I was going to marry, but 11 months of happiness and learning is pretty darn good, in my opinion. However, I do think I it's important to be happy by yourself and decide when the positives of a potential relationship outweigh the inevitable negatives, which is what you exemplify. Thanks for reminding me of this!
ReplyDeleteWell, you know where I come down on this interesting topic, right?
ReplyDeleteI'm NOT a fan, whatsoever, with "dating" in high school - at least in the "going steady" definition it's taken on. Going on fun group dates, or the occasional, special-event, one-on-one date (which are USUALLY more fun with a group, too) are fine...
But the whole coupling up that's done so frequently at that age is just non-productive and, even counter-productive, I think, to one's ACTUAL needs. Besides, and I say this with absolute seriousness, 99.99% of high school boys are not mature, responsible, or sensitive enough for a young woman to give even a piece of her heart to them. As you've NOW seen, in the vast majority of scenarios, the break-up hurt, and there wasn't ONE thing done together as a couple that couldn't have been done JUST as enjoyably and effectively in a healthy group setting.
Now, clearly, college/university is a time when many young men and women BEGIN to enter in to more mature and lasting relationships, but still, with all the study demands, ministry opportunities, and such, there's little imminent need for romance or drama then, either.
But, sure. It's an okay time for that - later university years - to begin.
BUT, for those young men and women who graduate "unscathed" and without having had a one-on-one romantic relationship? Hardly grounds for panic. More likely, since potentially great, healthy marriages await just about everyone who keeps high standards and all, those men and women have merely avoided some unnecessary hurt and pain that always comes with temporary or broken relationships.
I look at all of the fun and growing experiences that YOU have had in high school and now at WWSU, lots of interaction with guys in many settings, and I don't think that you've missed out on anything that would help better "prepare" you for marriage.
There are just too many examples of men and women who have patiently, morally, and healthily waited for the REAL right person to come along before moving into a serious, headed for marriage relationship for me to worry about folks in circumstances similar to yours, dear Becky.
And I can't THINK of a young woman who will be more of an AMAZING blessing to her husband that you will be to yours, Becky. Your authenticity, passion for life and for God, your sensitivity, your responsibility and maturity, your love of play, your appreciation for music, art, sports, drama, and all, your FUN sense of humor, your loving, caring nature...
What a package!
So, keep growing and learning and becoming the fine, FINE woman you are, and God WILL bring just the perfect man into your life. Be healthy and fit, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually! Don't settle. Don't fret. Don't jump the gun. Trust in the Lord!
You've made WONDERFUL life choices!
Daddy
Dating in high school was a learning experience, in that I learned what NOT to do to someone I love. I think many people can say that about their first dating experiences, and for this reason I think it's important to date someone you don't plan on marrying. Don't date the guy just cuz he's available, you do have to be able to stand him. And don't waste too much of his or your time, my rule is no more than 6 months. It'll still hurt when it's over, but you will learn from your pain. You will learn from every mistake you made and those he made. Then, when the time comes and you date someone you actually want to marry, you'll be able to treat him well and you'll know how you want to be treated.
ReplyDeleteI know this is completely different from how you said you feel, and that's fine. This is just what I've learned in my limited experience.
Whatever you do, be patient. It's easier said than done, but the reward for your patience will be worth every minute you spent waiting.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience! I love other points of view. I want this blog to be a place of discussion, and there's not much to discuss when everyone agrees!
DeleteFor discussion's sake, do you think that being in a relationship was the only way you could have learned those lessons?
Life's different for everyone, so if you do, that's cool. But like I said above, I've never dated, yet I feel like the life experience I've had has prepared me pretty well for a romantic relationship. The relational knowledge I've gained from friends and from living with family and now a roommate has taught me a lot about loving people well, resolving conflict, and putting up with the little things.
Before I started dating, I thought I had learned everything I needed to know about relationships, too, by watching my older siblings and my parents and everyone around me.
DeleteFrom what I've observed, it seems like couples tend to have more challenges to overcome and more to learn when neither party had any previous dating experience. No matter what, when you start dating for the first time there will be things that you have to learn through experience. And sometimes those lessons hurt; they hurt us or they hurt the other person, no matter how hard we try to avoid it. If you're learning these lessons on the person you will someday marry, you end up focusing on learning those lessons and avoiding the hurt rather than on building a strong foundation. The foundation comes eventually. For me personally, though, I'd rather come into the relationship knowing most of those lessons and focus from the very beginning on building a strong relationship with the man I will marry.
Re: learning relationship lessons during dating so that you won't have to learn them with the man you marry. Interesting concept, but I'd have to gently disagree that one can learn VERY much during pre-marriage dating that helps you avoid learning, well, say 99.99% of those important life-relationship lessons in a REAL way, in the committed, life-long setting of marriage.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, such lessons, if we want to call them that, are learned just as effectively in the less emotionally and potentially sexually-charged settings of smaller group interaction, ministry, employment, campus and church leadership opportunities, family, and the rest.
The ACTUAL learning comes in the marriage, itself, and I'm pretty sure that most couples would tell you, at least looking back on things after, oh... 5, 10, or 15 years of marriage, that those "lessons" if we want to call them that, that we obtain dating the 1, 2, or more people we SERIOUSLY date before marriage, significant though they may well be, are often or usually offset by the pain of boundaries crossed, emotions hurt, and disappointments experienced.
That's not a blanket denial that there will be lessons we carry away from ALL of our pre-marriage years. No. It's just that that path should be walked VERY carefully, if it is traveled.
Oh... and I guess the MAIN point I wanted to make was that, whatEVER lessons we may learn, pre-marriage, either through dating or NOT dating, the STILL get to learn EVERYTHING and more, once you enter that unique setting sometimes called "God's tool for teaching us REAL love."
ReplyDeleteThe lessons we learn elsewhere can be valuable, but they don't somehow make it so that we can then "focus" better on building a great relationship with our spouse.
Loads!
ReplyDelete